Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Antagonism, fortitude, gossip, appearances, patience, perseverance, apathy, I hate all of it. I want to be cosseted, shielded, loved, admired, and adored.
Silly isn’t it. I want what I don’t want. Yet, somehow, it would make so much more sense to fit in, adhere, conform and accept. And swallow the bitter pill. Why even take what others dish out in a way, why, because that is where social acceptance lies. Do I want to be socially active? Yes, because I want to be admired, not by just anyone, but by those I admire.
It’s such shameful thing to be me now. The antithesis of all that I wanted to be. Agnes is but a dream, and oh so far. I chose to be who I am and I regret every waking moment of my life today. Sometimes. Because even my blissful moments are so involuntary, that they exhaust me with the thought that lingers, will they come back again, will they last, are they backed by doubtful intentions, is life ever going to be what I want it to be, will people ever love me, despite who I am, when there are so many people better, or worse and still have the world at their feet.
I wish, I wait, I watch and I dream.
Today I know why people wanted to protect me from everything and anything. So much so that they constricted me and walled me up so that all I could see think or hear was them.
Thank you for that.
But now it only makes it harder. Especially since I don’t much like their company, only what they can do for me. Oh how they must hate me, but believe me, I hate myself much more than they can even begin to.
Here I am, this is me, anywhere else on earth id rather be!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Its lovely to reach saturation point. You're so full of it that u'd probably die right then and never feel a thing.
Just felt like i ahd to blog, and the first sentence just about sums it all up.
much love to all who've checked the blog hoping id uopdate something funny, probably will ocne something embarrasingly silly happens, which thankfully it hasnt so far.
The rut has thankfully ceased, and its been fun. Now i've got to start the outside thing again though.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
I've gone bonkers. Working life does that to you.
Life is going on as usual. Im frying my own brains as usual. Worrying and wondering about what will be, will be.
Prevention is always better than cure.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Too bad iv lent the book to the one person who shouldnt read it. Ever. But thats a different story.
I think, i'm losing my religion. Oh yes, there is Jesus and hes kept me alive and somewhat happy all along, and he has this divine plan where im sure ill get abundant choclate, and well..abundant love, but oh ! I dont want to go stand in church n feel like i've come there to think about my schedule, and gape at the male of the species, while soemone hashes up hymns on the keyboard and mediocre, desperate attempts to try and sound like a professional; choir, out of poure love for the church ( and want of social accolades) oh...i cant venerate, worship or genuflect amongst that. Its easier in the rush and frenzy of the market, the fish market even, to praise God for his bounty.
Is love, love, or need opf companionship, or this inane urge to subdue and exploit ? Or even to make others think of just what a marvellous person you are, because of that love...
All thats stuck in my head is Dido....See you when you're 40...I could swear she is my twin..and she doesnt even know it !
I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at yours
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance
Cos' I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about
You think you are complicated,
Deep mystery to all,Well it’s taken me a while to see,
You’re not so special.
All energy, no meaning,With a lot of words,
So paper thin that one real feeling,Could knock you down.
And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind
So see you when you’re forty,
Lost and all alone,
Being comforted by strangers,you'll never need to know,
Not sad because you lost me,
But sad because you thought it was cool,To be sad.
You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd.
If you had walked past me today,
I wouldn’t have picked you out,
I wouldn’t have picked you out,
Wouldn’t have picked you out.
Now I’ve seen tonight,
How could I waste my time?
And I’ll be on my way,And I won’t be back
Cuz I’ve seen tonight,
What I’ve been warned about,
You’re just a boy, not a man;
and I’m not coming back,
And I’m not coming back,
Friday, September 08, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Just saw a man with a fruit cart strolling slowly along..the hues were lovely..Bananas n apples look good together...but ahh i love the view from the top..
But then...its always better when u'r on top!!! :D
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I'm now working for Maersk India Pvt Limited... :D..and yippee..having lived ina port city all my life, i'm now wokring for a shipping company...
Must be the goan blood that helped though..
I've also shifted to new premises, which are amazing, and the hectic frenzy of shjfiting and a new job is elavuing em bewildered, not to emntion other 'unmenmtionables' that have gotten to me lately...
But ahh..21 birthday..come n gone...blessed to have the few specimens in my menagerie...thank u choi, bran, nitin...ahhh the men in my life :D...all amazing ! ;)
Thursday, August 10, 2006
But this blog...is for my folks...
Somehow with all the drudgery..or rather..the frantic pace of these past few days.. (see. im so mindfcuked i dont even know the difference! ) ive come to realise a few things...
I may be facing the quarter-life crisis....but it doesnt really matter....and thats thanks to my mum n dad...who are there no matter what. somehow when i get insecure, or wonder just what is my worth, i think about my parents....and then im all chill n smiles lol..because..lets face it..Two such wonderful people can never create soemthing mediocre...so i got potential...its jsut latent...lol..no no...its not an inferiority complex...neither is it a superiority complex...its just...what i see as the truth !
So for evrything i am, or hope to be, i owe to my angel mother. And for indulging me evrytime i argued, and enduring my rebellious streak ( which still continues) and because you have been (hopefully not anymore) my ATM, Dada, thank you. I love you...
But ahh...life otherwise...is a B***h...
I got money (for now)
A job( i dunno how long though )
Freinds n ahem... ( Theyr already showing signs of giving up on me)
Half a graduation degree( hopefully the other half comes in by october... comprend ..??)
A mobile phone wit a cam ( for the perverty pics ha! and the self admiration society :P)
Cooking skills ( who knows....might help in the marriage bureau)
GREAT parents... ( its only recently we'v stopped arguing, my guilty conscience is playing up)
Lotsa books( which i keep reading so theyr dog eared..and borrowed too..plz return my books guys)
Working comp n internet ( i love SIFY. Period. even their marketing guys are cute)
Ohkie dont get bored...im just assessing my life... lol..oh n did i mention SHAMELESS....We're like ina live in relationship...love him so much i hide him in the cupboard evrytime a kid visits my house..dont want them getting their grubby little paws on my baby....
Sunday, July 30, 2006
I always , always believe that people are inherently nice, and that given half a chance, they'd help a stranger. Yet, a funny incident that occured today made me laugh..yet saddened me a bit...
I was making a call from one of those PCO booths to a friend of mine, and the man standing near to me at the next phone somehow managed to drop a Two rupee coin. While continuing my conversation, i bent down to pick it up, and immediately he barked out ' yeh mera hai' ( its mine) ... i said 'haan, jaanti hoon' (yes i know )...and then he was like...thank you..
No sheepish look, nothing...maybe a tad bit surprised though...
Funny how people have become so hardened that a simple act of consideration leaves them flustered...
I also say a thank you to the bus conductor after i purchase my ticket, and thank the bus driver before i get down from the bus....ohkie..so i deserve a kick for being so nice..but it dont hurt does it.. n most times..its really nice to hear the bus driver's grunt in lieu of the Thank u.....
Try it... feels nice..
Friday, July 28, 2006
I just cant sleep alone...my eyes dont shut until my brain says u cant stay open anymore, and thats when i fall off asleep. I keep looking out of the window, sneaking glances actually, wondering if there is a blood sucking vampire jsut waiting to tear the mesh n get to me.... fat little me has a lot of the red stuff btw....
But...i cant sleep. And this has been the case for ages now...ever since iv started living alone. The bible doesnt help..or rather..i dont pick up the bible because that givesme the chills too. Its like okay, those things exist, and the bible willsave me from them, so if i dont read the Bible, then Those things dont exist. 'Those' things refer to boogeyman.
Ohkie, so since im jobless, who care sif i sleep at 4 am n wake up at 12 right ? unfortunately, i DO have a schedule and i AM screwing it up because of this.
I dont know how my friends take it all, even my family is disgusted but hell..i cant sleep. Alone. Period. Shameless is gone for a wash so hes not around to sleep with me. Shameless refers to my teddy. Doggie actually, but..stuffed nevertheless.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sometimes it feels like im crawling thru life. Things happen, fast enough, yet i feel so sluggish, i wonder why. Techinically, im jacking my own case....procrastinating....but still...u know that feeling..where u jsut dont like the way ur life seems to have stalled, even though everything is supposedly working fine....
Perhaps, its this indecision. I dont know my vocation in life. i just know i love people. And im too forthright for my own good. And im bored quick. And i hate people lying to me..though it IS one rule for the gander n one for the goose....
Friday, July 21, 2006
The title refers to SAVE our Blogs....and not what u first thought it was ...lol...but i must admit i did curse a bit...
suddenly one morning i wake up, and ufff...my blog's been blocked....i check to see if other blogs are available ( maybe the govt think im so influencial they only blocked mine) but ahhh...back to earth...all the blogs are blocked...even 7 year old riza's blog...yeah..as if she plans to take on the world...
All hogwash... read an article about the 'spirit' of Mumbai that evryone keeps talking about..for lack of a better phrase i suppose..and how sick it makes some of us feel...lol..one more mention of the 's' word and we just might gag....
You cant do anything BUT go on with your life in this big city....u cant do anything BUT feel helpless because..face it..all we'r doing is blaming the politicians, perhaps rightly, but thats another issue, or we're feeling tragic for those who were injured or died....or we just primly maintained that 2 minute silence and feel all righteous and good, that we kept shut for two WHOLE minutes... yeh well..i did too.... so there !
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Rocked bombay, made me weep tears of joy that everyone i knew n loved was safe, and i spent some horrible nerve wracking moments trying to call the very same loved ones.
As usual, i procrastinated, overslept, and didnt go out, or i could have easily been one of the victims. Somehow, failign a math paper, being unemployed, or single, doesnt seem so harrowing anymore.
To everyone who called n checked up on me.... i love you too...n thank you for caring so much....
I wont pretend to say i know the solution to these terrorsit attacks, i wont favour this or that political party, and no, i wont say praise the Lord i didnt die or Oh Lord, how sad for all those people who did face this. What i WILL say is...
I love bombay. Its a city with people of Spirit.
If anyone needs any help, ill try to do what i can.
I dont know why these terrorists do what they do, but oh, i wonder how they sleep at night.
Im tired. Too many things happening in this city. And here i was complaining that nothign was happening... Lord..i meant nothing GOOD.... so please.....spare me all this...Turn the Page....
Sunday, July 02, 2006
LOtsa marvelous rambling to do... Blog after blog..
Oh..and if any of you can help me find a job...please...ill be grateful...long as they have a functional CANTEEN with chocolate sumthing or the other... and chicken.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Now trouble is, along with all the genuine weirdos that i have for friends, and they're dah- lingsss...i get strange requests by rather nice looking guys, can i make the frandship with you, u are very interesting/sweet/pretty/cute (fill in the missing adjective).
Yeah sure, wait! lemme lend u a hatchet coz u look n sound so like the average, nice, loveable right out of my nightmares psychopath that dad warned me is out on the net just waiting to get to me...
No problems....but just thought id mention it...and apparently, even the guys get these requests. Never thought women make better psychos, but hell yeah....they do, they even send you sickeningly sweet mush stuff everyday in your mail like the girlfriend from hell... (my source is so sick n tired he's even permanently changed his email id)
If someone could only get me John Abrhams email id now...i could try one of these 'Please can i make the friendship with you' mails.... would be different from the usual fawning 'i soooo looooveee ur dimples' mails that he gets now...dont u think ?
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Nice word that. I've met so many wannabe's, but like one of my frends mentioned...what about me...i'm a 'don't wanna be' LOL.
Ever since i started this blog, ive started exploring other people's blogs. Its fun, and if they're witty, or just informative, its like a small chapter in a book. An insight into someone else's life, or what their day was about, or just their perspective on some issue. Needless to say, you also come across some really awful blogs. Or some like bimbettes, you know beautiful outside, no content within.
Ideasyncrasies.....when i created it i intended it to be my public ranting forum. My favourite word idiosyncrasies, and my ideas....and thus i coined the name.
My quaint, very unique ideas on life, love, success, failure and John Abraham. Someday i'll write an essay on John's dimples lol.
And now, to come to the crux of the matter... I wannabe a writer. I'm no wannabe writer mind you...i just wannabe one. And yes, there is a difference between the two.
People see my poetry, friends and acquaintances alike, and they say, why dont you write, seriously ? A book perhaps...journalism...copywriting, and im left with a plethora of choices and a mind benumbed ...why ? Because im doing a course in business management thats why, and the most i write is about production management or how someone could solve their finance problems.
I want to write. I dont care about influencing you, talking about my perspective on current affairs or even raving about the Page 3 celebrities.I'd like to write because i love it. Something i absolutely enjoy doing, for the sheer joy of it. Playing with words since i cant seem to manage people at all.
But then dont take me seriously. I talk to my feet.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
The middle of nowhere says: i do think about goa
Sunrise says: haan bolo
The middle of nowhere says: but i don't wanna tell myself that yeah am going there
Sunrise says: i knw
The middle of nowhere says: so many times things just fail
Sunrise says: its like wht if it doesnt work out na
The middle of nowhere says: and then i don't wanna get upset
Sunrise says: i knw
The middle of nowhere says: so i just steer away from that thought
Sunrise says: no expectations, no pain, no regrets
The middle of nowhere says: seriously
Sunrise says: i knw
Sunrise says: let it be
Sunrise says: i want u to come
Sunrise says: and im not thinking of it
The middle of nowhere says: hehe
Sunrise says: coz i dont want the pain of going alone
Sunrise says: thr
Sunrise says: now u see how badly i want u to come
The middle of nowhere says: let days pass
Sunrise says: yeah
Sunrise says: in this limbo
Sunrise says: neither here nor there
Sunrise says: we're waiting for soemthing to happen
The middle of nowhere says: haha
The middle of nowhere says: the middle of nowhere
Sunrise says: yeah
Sunrise says: n thn whn sumthin happens
Sunrise says: we cry coz we dunno howe to deal with it
Feels like we're asking God a lot of help ...indirectly....SOS eh...
P.s : This was a conversation i had with a friend.
Friday, March 24, 2006
I always envisioned paradise to be some sort of library, with u there, and hot chocolate, and cold chocolate, and you keeping your mouth shut and just being good eye candy, to satisfy my heart and aesthetic hunger, and the chocolate would take care of the rest.
Ahhh....freak of nature arent i.....
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Light shed by a tallow-stick,
A quill within my grasp;
I scribe on yellowed pages
And follow the yen of my heart.
In peace and still and quiet,
In perfect harmony,
I faintly hear a whisper,
And think I find the key.
It is not wine and dancing;
It is not jamboree.
Its just a breath of silence
And soulful repartee.
A sudden pause;
And time stands still.
Life shares herself
As she seldom will.
A rare glimpse; a favoured chance,
A blessing it may be;
To look o'er the edge of the world
And see what I may see.
And now as my light grows dim,
I must no longer tarry;
But instead make haste to see
That which may no longer be.
Monday, March 13, 2006
I'm Clairvoyant. Two days back, while looking out the window, blabbering away on the phone...i said..darn ! its soooo hot i wish it would rain...and VOILA !
Next morning gentle summer showers pitter pattering on the rooftop, and me unwittingly ( in blissful ignorance ) cursing my neighbour for throwing waste kitchen water out her window again...
I walk out to go to college, and get drenched. I was shell shocked. I asked for rain...and i got it ! The next logical thought of course was...Prince charming...but does he come ? nope.. now the good Lord knows better than that doesnt he ..( dripping with sarcasm). Apparently, a sense of humour is a sense of balance... and I know iv been rather dreary lately, but jeez, its hard to retain ur sense of humour when ur sense of balance is threatened ..( i have an ear infection) and life is dishing it out with full force, i'm sick, and certain bird brain's i know are eating my meagre reasources of pink matter....
Ohkie...im sorry im dishing it out, but hell... its been a crazy week, i need ideas on which book to buy to treat myself this month....any suggestions... ?
P.S : Thanks to my prolific and scathing critic... u know who u are... for nicely kicking my ... and keep up the good work. Its people like you who terrify me and simultaneously make me feel great :)
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Yep, Depression Central...thats what i am. Even unto PREDICTING things going wrong. Never again do i tempt fate like that. Everything is supposedly going fine...theres a nice semblance of normalcy, i even wake up on time.... but its still surreal. Nice and numb. Just like i ordered. Problem is...thats not what the doctor prescribed.
Disintegrated and yet coming together. Out of chaos comes order. Or maybe, i just work well under pressure!
I was right about the friends though.... there forever and a day... and if iv never thanked u before... Choy, Shirls, Bran D, Abhi ( if ur condescending lazy ass ever reads my blog) and Nicks ( even with the lame ass jokes, ur still a darling) .... thanks !
I bought strawberries today.....yippeeee ...one good thing about lenten fasts is that u can eat fruits... not much scope for other edibles though...
But yes, something i'd like to share....my rock when im set adrift like this....
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
This too, shall pass !
Monday, March 06, 2006
She nor swooned, nor uttered cry:
All her maidens, watching, said,
She must weep or she will die.
I read this bit from V.S Naipaul's Half a Life.... and somehow it struck... what is life without a little loss...only teaches us to hold on to what we have with even more tenacity, and then dread losing it, or treat what we have with the utmost care and give it the most love...for who knows what tomorrow may bring...
I'm sick of that line.... ' who knows what tomorrow may bring..'
Well , I know !
Tomorrow will bring me more strength, more friends, more people to share my problems with, a sudden increase in blog viewer ship :D, John Abraham....(if only in my dreams), lots of love, and the realization that I'm still the most precious person in the world to my folks.... the awful epiphany that my prelims are drawing nearer... more temptation in the shape of bars of chocolates n nude chickens roasting on bbq's... ahh..is that enough fo what tomorrow may bring
I could die....but hey... That wouldn't stop me... I'd proliferate thru my friends...i mean come on..who wouldn't smile thinking of the stupid things id done or said...s
But yes, i must weep, or i will die......
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Be gentle with the criticism..
harsh words unfaze me
These are my emotions im discovering
For i am captivated by the mysterious
the intensity of my thoughts
the hidden yearning, the gaping crevices
like budding hothouse roses
frigidity will kill them
so please nurture them with warmth
with the sunlight of your soul
a clear trail of endless thoughts
travailing, leaping...into forever
some triggered by memories, or curiosity
some nudged by hope
And i write, so
disarm me with loving kindness
Let me cry
for gentle words sting my soul
Friday, March 03, 2006
I love south Mumbai. I wish i was a student of architecture at times. But then i see these quaint firms, with weird names in those old, run down buildings somewhere near Fort....and i wonder about what kind of business they do...like who the hell are their customers, do they even get customers.....how long have they been around....and on....and commerce suits me just fine...
Spotted this lovely stone statue of a dog somewhere around there. THIS is why i wish i had a camera phone. And then there was this lady at Strand who just COULDNT resist showing off her non -existent cleavage...so i need a cam for perverty pics like that too....lmao...but that is one thing i LOATHE. I dont need free publicity so for F***KS sake DONT take pics of me without my permission....i'm awfully wary around people with those camera phones nowadays... but thats just my paranoia playing up again i guess.
I love Strand. Read a bit of Calvin n Hobbes, chuckled and guffawed a bit... noticed a few people....saw this really self concious ug-ly corporate guy witha striped white shirt and black n white checked tie...( is that even LEGAL ?) sporting a ear stud...he was so self concious...but Damn ! I hated him on sight, he just swiped his card.....leaving me drooling over his purchases....no judging a book by its cover eh.....but i do NOT think he would appreciate the subtle nuances and intricacies of the Calvin n Hobbes comic that he bought. Not to mention Memoirs of a Geisha...and some other rare gems. Oh...yep there were those self improvement 'who stole my ferrari' kinda books too lol... which is why i pegged him as a yuppie....Oh ye Haves....cast a stray glance at us Have -nots and make wise decisions when ye do buy books ...funny how people buy a book, just because the rest of the world is buying it, and its supposed to be the 'in' thing to read. Now what i want is that collection of Somerset Maugham short stories .....sigh..
Walked it home from Strand. NOT for the squishy legged, not wanting to sweat types lemme tell you.....but i did take a detour thru Marine drive. Now i know why i get tanned so much. I love the sun warming me up. Until it gets sticky, i cant stand the thirst and my skin starts burning ..that is.
I must use the foot bridge over Charni Road station more often. The one that connects marine drive to the other side. By chance you happen to look down, and WOW, this amazing structure, with a lush garden and numerous potted plants. It even has a bird bath ! AND colonial architecture. It fits perfectly into the kind of house i someday want to live in. Bird bath included. A lovely view.....even if it does bring on the day dreaming bouts which are rather inconvenient amidst the jostling crowds all pushing n shoving and going ....nowhere.
I LOATHE data entry. Bunked college again today. The guilt trip is soooo familiar iv gotten used to it. Now i know how people can take bribes and go on committing mortal sins. You get so accustomed to everything, in the end its just a dull throb...the conscience that so stabs right now...
Not really my fault is it. Something's aching to be set free. If i was given a paisa for evrytime i wanted to break free from conventionalism and routine.....man, id dream of marrying Chidu. I mean look at it this way...its only when u got it that u want to protect it right ? LOL.....i WAS talking about money..... but delving into the inner raunchy sanctums of grey matter , well...heres a tribute to ..... The 'N' syndrome.....its not like use it or lose it...more like.. Got it; Flaunt it !!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Faint Voices echoing in the corridors ...
Memories surge , overwhelm me
Days and nights we 've shared
Momentary respite, oblivious of uncertain times ahead....
One nanosecond of empathy
Intermingling of various sensibilities
Thats what friendship is
All of us, and a moment of peace
Often peacefully immersed in my solitude
I dream of footprints washed away in the sand;
The laughter resonates once again in my ears
Bringing along with it some smiles, and a few tears.
Reminiscing enshrouds those days with a rosy glow
The unpleasant forgotten, only the wonderful retained
I dream of making the past and present rhyme
Friends, memories, laughter and innocence defying time ......
Dedicated to Soy, Sun, Sam, Surls n Sonu......
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I bought chicken today!!!
So there ! To hell with Bird flu n avian disease n wht else..
I'd rather die eating well than die under a bus, or my dreaded nightmare of dying in bed with the fan falling on me.......
Im STILL gonna buy n eat chicken
(famous last words)
Thanks to muvo..(www.mushroomncheese.blogspot.com) for this one ..
http://www.digg.com/links/Funny_Blaupunkt_Video ...Horny Wabbit... :D
Monday, February 20, 2006
I hate my cam. with a vengeance. its blurred, fuzzy, and doesnt even make John Abraham look good. ( i tried clickin a pic of him frm the newspaper)
Now thing is ..... i have got to make do with the darn cam till i get employed by some really smart firm that wants to go places. And by places i do NOT mean chocolate factories or pastry shops...
There's this whole huge list of things i wish i had that would make my life * just like heaven*. And to think i always believed that its not the things you have, but the stuff u got inside you that matters. yeah well, for others maybe, but when it comes to myself..... the more the better ainnit... (therein lies the reason why i keep trying to defy gravity lol)
I HAVE to try traveling and get employed by Lonely Planet to write about the different places id get to visit ...ahh...dream job really...or maybe id hook that Mittal whts his name n then i needn't work at all....but then worse..id have to work out ....NOT HAPPENING !
Friday, February 17, 2006
Here does my search begin
Time shall stay, I have found again the courage to change
And then, the old me won't seem so strange.
I once learnt to let myself go
Now, I'll fight to stay
Regardless of social conformance; fight wrong, think right
But I'm not one to give in without a fight
Happenstance matters, serendipity will be my savior
Good Karma will grant me the Lord's favor
Armed with reason, unctuous piety notwithstanding
I wont let their criticism sting
Situations once dictated, attitude let me survive
Parasitic, I grasped at smiles, clutched at hope, and I strived
Out of my illusions ! Bring on the pain !
Triumph will not be as sweet as the fight to survive, to remain, to retain !
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Saw this really hot guy from the bus in the morning on the way to coll. So I stared. Unashamedly. Not wantonly...But ahh :P And then he smiled !!! At me !!!
whoa....HOT ...I felt the usual beginnings of a drool...Or rather..Unusual...Its really rare that I would drool over such charming eye candy...
Then while waiting at churchgate stn for another bus...(darn but I hate Indian infrastructure..Or the lack of it ), I saw this bus...With lotsa crows perched on it... And it was ambling along leisurely with the crows having their Annual General Body Meeting atop it.. Oh made me smile...
So I went for that interview..Or rather..Aptitude test at TSMG. Nice office ...Plush...Or rather...Not plush...Very nice though I cant find the right word... And gave the test. Nice test too... Analysis of situations...And a horrid business aptitude test which I had fun with.
And after I endured all the horrid cramps ...(Its been 2 crampy days ) And ambled home..I find that my electricity has been cut off. OHHHHHHHHHHHH
If anything can get me out of my usual calm, lethargic and complacent behavior... Its the electricity cut off, when I have a maths test the next day, this insane urge to write my blog and a sticky feeling where I JUST have to have a bath, all plaguing me at the same time.
So I ran. To the electricity dept. Oh. Begged the watchman to put the electricity on till atleast 8 am tomm. And I will go back to the office tomorrow and fire the panties off the electricity dept ppl. INDIAN BUREAUCRACY !!! AAARRRGGHHH
And to think id paid the bill around 10 days back. Pisses me off ! Actually, its rather surprising when the Government ppl DON'T fuck up. That's when you should start getting nervous. The rest....Just take it in your stride...
So while chatting with Shanti... I told her...About being so plagued with everything.. And I came up with something rather witty.. (not unusual for me :D )
What doesn't kill you .........................ONLY MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL SOMEONE ELSE !
Refuting the cliche that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.....
And I'm happy for all the obstacles so far... Its spurring me onto better things, ( onto action and off my fat Ass for one ) and u know what...I haven't lost my sense of humor. Infact it just gets better . So I'm blessed. No reason to panic....Yet. I can laugh at myself and situations still...
So far....So Good.
Read this sumwhr..... meant what i felt....so...thr...
It's 1am and I'm still not dreaming
Contemplation mars my sleeping
I wish I knew all I’m meant to know
Then I wouldn’t have to keep thinking
And all these photographs on my wall
Fade in the light, but my hearts too small
To remember how they looked before
Their memories dim and they begin to fall
Away from me so suddenly
everybody drifts away like currents in the sea
And I can’t love all that I cannot see
Too many times I wish that I could change
But we’d mean nothing if we were all the same
It breaks day and my bed is still unmade
And passes noon but i'm so numb with the pain
And I could think about all I’ve ever known
But still I wouldn’t know where in hell to go
I see these faces; they begin to fade
I’ve come so far and yet we haven’t really grown
And all this meaning loses time
Time loses meaning in this one track rhyme
Seems like I should be there by now
I went too fast and I missed the sign
Oh I could see the beauty in the sky
And know one day humanity would die
But it would only make me wonder why
Why we’re still here, bothering to try.
But I caught sight of a one lone star
Barely breathing like a lonely heart
And standing under this sullen sweet sky
I see maybe this is only the start
And life, it started with a single kiss
What is life without a little risk?
Maybe I am where I'm meant to be
And the stars remind me that I exist
Monday, January 30, 2006
I'm getting disoriented. I know what i have to do, and yet.... i don't want to do it. Back to the phase where i know just what is right and wrong or maybe lukewarm and nothing or noone can force me to do something i JUST don't want to do. Okay. So i need a kick up the seat of my pants. or perhaps.... just a neat little cosh on my head, a tiny bump might just do the trick...Why oh WHY am i letting this happen again? Me, independent little sweet little practical little effervescently cute and oh so adorable little me.
Yep, im trying sooo hard to tell myself that im wonderful. no other reason to survive otherwise. What with my not feeling good enough for all the people who care.I hate guilt trips. I hate myself for feeling like im worthy of guilt...It s bad when you do something or procrastinate without prior knowledge, but when ur a know it all and u STILL do it... ahhh then u definitely deserve all thats coming to you, and more.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
So it could be my love of food....
Which is definitely NOTHING compared to my absolute adoration of chocolate.... or it could be that im rather carnivorous ( not the man -eating types though) sorry to disappoint you Dee... but its just Pork chop coz i pig out, eating seems rather a good way to preoccupy my brain, and stop it from telling me to go kill myself. and frozen .. well, i want to be devoid of feelings and try as i might, i feel like a screwed up humanitarian who's been taken over by the spirit of Mother Theresa and i just cant stand to see man, woman or dog in pain or want or hungry or whatever. Bolster their self confidence....let them live in their illusions...darn ! I'm getting Ayn Rand-ish again...
Quirky name. Now to go do whatever I have been procrastinating about and stop writing about my quirky self. Its like i have this tic... instead of twitching my shoulder or blinking my left eye or some other random indication of insanity, i WRITE. Oh Lord, but for thy grace ....... !