Life is full of surprises, twists, turns, exclamation marks, and now I want a full stop.
Antagonism, fortitude, gossip, appearances, patience, perseverance, apathy, I hate all of it. I want to be cosseted, shielded, loved, admired, and adored.
Silly isn’t it. I want what I don’t want. Yet, somehow, it would make so much more sense to fit in, adhere, conform and accept. And swallow the bitter pill. Why even take what others dish out in a way, why, because that is where social acceptance lies. Do I want to be socially active? Yes, because I want to be admired, not by just anyone, but by those I admire.
It’s such shameful thing to be me now. The antithesis of all that I wanted to be. Agnes is but a dream, and oh so far. I chose to be who I am and I regret every waking moment of my life today. Sometimes. Because even my blissful moments are so involuntary, that they exhaust me with the thought that lingers, will they come back again, will they last, are they backed by doubtful intentions, is life ever going to be what I want it to be, will people ever love me, despite who I am, when there are so many people better, or worse and still have the world at their feet.
I wish, I wait, I watch and I dream.
Today I know why people wanted to protect me from everything and anything. So much so that they constricted me and walled me up so that all I could see think or hear was them.
Thank you for that.
But now it only makes it harder. Especially since I don’t much like their company, only what they can do for me. Oh how they must hate me, but believe me, I hate myself much more than they can even begin to.
Here I am, this is me, anywhere else on earth id rather be!