Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Involuntary Bliss

Life is full of surprises, twists, turns, exclamation marks, and now I want a full stop.
Antagonism, fortitude, gossip, appearances, patience, perseverance, apathy, I hate all of it. I want to be cosseted, shielded, loved, admired, and adored.

Silly isn’t it. I want what I don’t want. Yet, somehow, it would make so much more sense to fit in, adhere, conform and accept. And swallow the bitter pill. Why even take what others dish out in a way, why, because that is where social acceptance lies. Do I want to be socially active? Yes, because I want to be admired, not by just anyone, but by those I admire.

It’s such shameful thing to be me now. The antithesis of all that I wanted to be. Agnes is but a dream, and oh so far. I chose to be who I am and I regret every waking moment of my life today. Sometimes. Because even my blissful moments are so involuntary, that they exhaust me with the thought that lingers, will they come back again, will they last, are they backed by doubtful intentions, is life ever going to be what I want it to be, will people ever love me, despite who I am, when there are so many people better, or worse and still have the world at their feet.

I wish, I wait, I watch and I dream.

Today I know why people wanted to protect me from everything and anything. So much so that they constricted me and walled me up so that all I could see think or hear was them.
Thank you for that.

But now it only makes it harder. Especially since I don’t much like their company, only what they can do for me. Oh how they must hate me, but believe me, I hate myself much more than they can even begin to.

Here I am, this is me, anywhere else on earth id rather be!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Ennui ?

It’s easy. It’s not the getting there; it’s the not dying of ennui after you’re on the spot.

Its lovely to reach saturation point. You're so full of it that u'd probably die right then and never feel a thing.

So there.

Just felt like i ahd to blog, and the first sentence just about sums it all up.

much love to all who've checked the blog hoping id uopdate something funny, probably will ocne something embarrasingly silly happens, which thankfully it hasnt so far.

Darn !

The rut has thankfully ceased, and its been fun. Now i've got to start the outside thing again though.

BLECH !