Involuntary Bliss
Life is full of surprises, twists, turns, exclamation marks, and now I want a full stop.
Antagonism, fortitude, gossip, appearances, patience, perseverance, apathy, I hate all of it. I want to be cosseted, shielded, loved, admired, and adored.
Silly isn’t it. I want what I don’t want. Yet, somehow, it would make so much more sense to fit in, adhere, conform and accept. And swallow the bitter pill. Why even take what others dish out in a way, why, because that is where social acceptance lies. Do I want to be socially active? Yes, because I want to be admired, not by just anyone, but by those I admire.
It’s such shameful thing to be me now. The antithesis of all that I wanted to be. Agnes is but a dream, and oh so far. I chose to be who I am and I regret every waking moment of my life today. Sometimes. Because even my blissful moments are so involuntary, that they exhaust me with the thought that lingers, will they come back again, will they last, are they backed by doubtful intentions, is life ever going to be what I want it to be, will people ever love me, despite who I am, when there are so many people better, or worse and still have the world at their feet.
I wish, I wait, I watch and I dream.
Today I know why people wanted to protect me from everything and anything. So much so that they constricted me and walled me up so that all I could see think or hear was them.
Thank you for that.
But now it only makes it harder. Especially since I don’t much like their company, only what they can do for me. Oh how they must hate me, but believe me, I hate myself much more than they can even begin to.
Here I am, this is me, anywhere else on earth id rather be!
Antagonism, fortitude, gossip, appearances, patience, perseverance, apathy, I hate all of it. I want to be cosseted, shielded, loved, admired, and adored.
Silly isn’t it. I want what I don’t want. Yet, somehow, it would make so much more sense to fit in, adhere, conform and accept. And swallow the bitter pill. Why even take what others dish out in a way, why, because that is where social acceptance lies. Do I want to be socially active? Yes, because I want to be admired, not by just anyone, but by those I admire.
It’s such shameful thing to be me now. The antithesis of all that I wanted to be. Agnes is but a dream, and oh so far. I chose to be who I am and I regret every waking moment of my life today. Sometimes. Because even my blissful moments are so involuntary, that they exhaust me with the thought that lingers, will they come back again, will they last, are they backed by doubtful intentions, is life ever going to be what I want it to be, will people ever love me, despite who I am, when there are so many people better, or worse and still have the world at their feet.
I wish, I wait, I watch and I dream.
Today I know why people wanted to protect me from everything and anything. So much so that they constricted me and walled me up so that all I could see think or hear was them.
Thank you for that.
But now it only makes it harder. Especially since I don’t much like their company, only what they can do for me. Oh how they must hate me, but believe me, I hate myself much more than they can even begin to.
Here I am, this is me, anywhere else on earth id rather be!
Comments
All the same, with the loved ones you simply need to be direct in expressing what you feel and what you want.
Life is meant to be simple. If it starts getting complicated, take emergency steps to simplfy it.
You are a success if you get up in the morning and go to bed at night and in between you do what you want to do. Put up with the rains to cherish the rainbow.
anshu.bora@gmail.com.
And, further to what Pranav said, I'd say...Cherish the rainbow, dance in the rain. Its all a matter of choices and of perception....which, again, is a choice.
Anyway, here's something to mull over:
Fountain
If we have
what they know
that we are
If they know
what we have
is all we are
We can give what
we are without
knowing we do
Give away all of it
give it all
over to them
And as we do
have it all back
again and again
...and again
- Translated from the Spanish by Edwin Honig