Ideasyncrasies

Life is full of surprises, twists, turns, exclamation marks, and now I want a full stop. Antagonism, fortitude, gossip, appearances, patience, perseverance, apathy, I hate all of it. I want to be cosseted, shielded, loved, admired, and adored. Silly isn’t it. I want what I don’t want. Yet, somehow, it would make so much more sense to fit in, adhere, conform and accept. And swallow the bitter pill. Why even take what others dish out in a way, why, because that is where social acceptance lies. Do I want to be socially active? Yes, because I want to be admired, not by just anyone, but by those I admire. It’s such shameful thing to be me now. The antithesis of all that I wanted to be. Agnes is but a dream, and oh so far. I chose to be who I am and I regret every waking moment of my life today. Sometimes. Because even my blissful moments are so involuntary, that they exhaust me with the thought that lingers, will they come back again, will they last, are they backed by doubtful intentions, ...

It’s easy. It’s not the getting there; it’s the not dying of ennui after you’re on the spot. Its lovely to reach saturation point. You're so full of it that u'd probably die right then and never feel a thing. So there. Just felt like i ahd to blog, and the first sentence just about sums it all up. much love to all who've checked the blog hoping id uopdate something funny, probably will ocne something embarrasingly silly happens, which thankfully it hasnt so far. Darn ! The rut has thankfully ceased, and its been fun. Now i've got to start the outside thing again though. BLECH !

Cant blog. Frustration reigns supreme. Friends bear the brunt of the un blog. ly. Like the un dead. ly. I've gone bonkers. Working life does that to you. Life is going on as usual. Im frying my own brains as usual. Worrying and wondering about what will be, will be. but ahhh...sunscreen. Prevention is always better than cure.

I'm just lost. right now. Theres this aching need to read The Fountainhead again. After all that has been happening the past few days, or perhaps, this slow metamorphosis i'm undergoing. Too bad iv lent the book to the one person who shouldnt read it. Ever. But thats a different story. I think, i'm losing my religion. Oh yes, there is Jesus and hes kept me alive and somewhat happy all along, and he has this divine plan where im sure ill get abundant choclate, and well..abundant love, but oh ! I dont want to go stand in church n feel like i've come there to think about my schedule, and gape at the male of the species, while soemone hashes up hymns on the keyboard and mediocre, desperate attempts to try and sound like a professional; choir, out of poure love for the church ( and want of social accolades) oh...i cant venerate, worship or genuflect amongst that. Its easier in the rush and frenzy of the market, the fish market even, to praise God for his bounty. Is love, lov...

Monotonous, Skilled, creativity dies Psuedo importance, the ego satisfies; Itself it feeds: itself it will kill Therein the trampling of individual will. .

Living on the 6th floor has its benefits... Just saw a man with a fruit cart strolling slowly along..the hues were lovely..Bananas n apples look good together...but ahh i love the view from the top.. But then...its always better when u'r on top!!! :D

Clattering keys, phones clamouring Frigid surrounding, pressure mounting; Glare of the screen, eyes wide shut Oh ! Life will become such a rut !

 

 

I've got it all (almost) I'm now working for Maersk India Pvt Limited... :D..and yippee..having lived ina port city all my life, i'm now wokring for a shipping company... Must be the goan blood that helped though.. I've also shifted to new premises, which are amazing, and the hectic frenzy of shjfiting and a new job is elavuing em bewildered, not to emntion other 'unmenmtionables' that have gotten to me lately... But ahh..21 birthday..come n gone...blessed to have the few specimens in my menagerie...thank u choi, bran, nitin...ahhh the men in my life :D...all amazing ! ;)

Ive had an interesting few days since my last blog...now i dont hi5 no more...its conversations n coffee going cold while i use orkut .... But this blog...is for my folks... Somehow with all the drudgery..or rather..the frantic pace of these past few days.. (see. im so mindfcuked i dont even know the difference! ) ive come to realise a few things... I may be facing the quarter-life crisis ....but it doesnt really matter....and thats thanks to my mum n dad...who are there no matter what. somehow when i get insecure, or wonder just what is my worth, i think about my parents....and then im all chill n smiles lol..because..lets face it..Two such wonderful people can never create soemthing mediocre...so i got potential...its jsut latent...lol..no no...its not an inferiority complex...neither is it a superiority complex...its just...what i see as the truth ! So for evrything i am, or hope to be, i owe to my angel mother. And for indulging me evrytime i argued, and enduring my rebellious st...

Going sour ...Et cetera... I always , always believe that people are inherently nice, and that given half a chance, they'd help a stranger. Yet, a funny incident that occured today made me laugh..yet saddened me a bit... I was making a call from one of those PCO booths to a friend of mine, and the man standing near to me at the next phone somehow managed to drop a Two rupee coin. While continuing my conversation, i bent down to pick it up, and immediately he barked out ' yeh mera hai' ( its mine) ... i said 'haan, jaanti hoon' (yes i know )...and then he was like...thank you.. No sheepish look, nothing...maybe a tad bit surprised though... Funny how people have become so hardened that a simple act of consideration leaves them flustered... I also say a thank you to the bus conductor after i purchase my ticket, and thank the bus driver before i get down from the bus....ohkie..so i deserve a kick for being so nice..but it dont hurt does it.. n most times..its really ni...

Now im in solitary confinement. Been like that for ages...which is why i drool like a doggie whenever a friend requests shelter for the night. Since bombay is so obliging with long, stifling, crushing train journeys, bomb blasts, deluges etc...i d o have my wish granted at times...someone comes over to stay the night, and i sleep. in Peace. I just cant sleep alone...my eyes dont shut until my brain says u cant stay open anymore, and thats when i fall off asleep. I keep looking out of the window, sneaking glances actually, wondering if there is a blood sucking vampire jsut waiting to tear the mesh n get to me.... fat little me has a lot of the red stuff btw.... But...i cant sleep. And this has been the case for ages now...ever since iv started living alone. The bible doesnt help..or rather..i dont pick up the bible because that gives me the chills too. Its like okay, those things exist, and the bible willsave me from them, so if i dont read the Bible, then Those things dont exist. '...

Sometimes it feels like im crawling thru life. Things happen, fast enough, yet i feel so sluggish, i wonder why. Techinically, im jacking my own case....procrastinating....but still...u know that feeling..where u jsut dont like the way ur life seems to have stalled, even though everything is supposedly working fine.... Perhaps, its this indecision. I dont know my vocation in life. i just know i love people. And im too forthright for my own good. And im bored quick. And i hate people lying to me..though it IS one rule for the gander n one for the goose....

Umm...now that ur reading my blog, i can safely assume i have atleast ONE reader. Praise be the Lord :D The title refers to SAVE our Blogs....and not what u first thought it was ...lol...but i must admit i did curse a bit... suddenly one morning i wake up, and ufff...my blog's been blocked....i check to see if other blogs are available ( maybe the govt think im so influencial they only blocked mine) but ahhh...back to earth...all the blogs are blocked...even 7 year old riza's blog...yeah..as if she plans to take on the world... All hogwash... read an article about the 'spirit' of Mumbai that evryone keeps talking about..for lack of a better phrase i suppose..and how sick it makes some of us feel...lol..one more mention of the 's' word and we just might gag.... You cant do anything BUT go on with your life in this big city....u cant do anything BUT feel helpless because..face it..all we'r doing is blaming the politicians, perhaps rightly, but thats another ...

Im back from my long (i dunno wht my brain isnt working so can u fill in the missing word plz). hiatus ? lebbiddee... i'll think about the word later. More importantly, i'm blogging again. The blasts.... Rocked bombay, made me weep tears of joy that everyone i knew n loved was safe, and i spent some horrible nerve wracking moments trying to call the very same loved ones. As usual, i procrastinated, overslept, and didnt go out, or i could have easily been one of the victims. Somehow, failign a math paper, being unemployed, or single, doesnt seem so harrowing anymore. To everyone who called n checked up on me.... i love you too...n thank you for caring so much.... I wont pretend to say i know the solution to these terrorsit attacks, i wont favour this or that political party, and no, i wont say praise the Lord i didnt die or Oh Lord, how sad for all those people who did face this. What i WILL say is... I love bombay. Its a city with people of Spirit. If anyone needs any help, il...

Im BAck. Alive. maybe not kicking....but...ready to kill....Bring it On baby... :D LOtsa marvelous rambling to do... Blog after blog.. Oh..and if any of you can help me find a job...please...ill be grateful...long as they have a functional CANTEEN with chocolate sumthing or the other... and chicken.

I don't know how many of you guys are aware of this site called Hi5 that lets u make new friends, keep in touch with old freinds, or gather acquaintances like you were the contender for worlds most popular vegetating in front of his/her comp weirdo, but its a rather nice site. Now trouble is, along with all the genuine weirdos that i have for friends, and they're dah- lingsss...i get strange requests by rather nice looking guys, can i make the frandship with you, u are very interesting/sweet/pretty/cute (fill in the missing adjective). Yeah sure, wait! lemme lend u a hatchet coz u look n sound so like the average, nice, loveable right out of my nightmares psychopath that dad warned me is out on the net just waiting to get to me... No problems....but just thought id mention it...and apparently, even the guys get these requests. Never thought women make better psychos, but hell yeah....they do, they even send you sickeningly sweet mush stuff everyday in your mail like the girlfri...

Wannabe. Nice word that. I've met so many wannabe's, but like one of my frends mentioned...what about me...i'm a 'don't wanna be' LOL. Ever since i started this blog, ive started exploring other people's blogs. Its fun, and if they're witty, or just informative, its like a small chapter in a book. An insight into someone else's life, or what their day was about, or just their perspective on some issue. Needless to say, you also come across some really awful blogs. Or some like bimbettes, you know beautiful outside, no content within. Ideasyncrasies.....when i created it i intended it to be my public ranting forum. My favourite word idiosyncrasies, and my ideas....and thus i coined the name. My quaint, very unique ideas on life, love, success, failure and John Abraham. Someday i'll write an essay on John's dimples lol. And now, to come to the crux of the matter... I wannabe a writer. I'm no wannabe writer mind you...i just wannabe one. And...

The middle of nowhere says: u know marj The middle of nowhere says: i do think about goa Sunrise says: haan bolo The middle of nowhere says: but i don't wanna tell myself that yeah am going there Sunrise says: i knw The middle of nowhere says: so many times things just fail Sunrise says: its like wht if it doesnt work out na The middle of nowhere says: and then i don't wanna get upset Sunrise says: i knw The middle of nowhere says: so i just steer away from that thought Sunrise says: no expectations, no pain, no regrets The middle of nowhere says: seriously Sunrise says: i knw Sunrise says: let it be Sunrise says: i want u to come Sunrise says: and im not thinking of it The middle of nowhere says: hehe Sunrise says: coz i dont want the pain of going alone Sunrise says: thr Sunrise says: now u see how badly i want u to come The middle of nowhere says: let days pass Sunrise says: yeah Sunrise says: in this limbo Sunrise says: neither here nor there Sunrise says: we're waitin...

Another 52 Books ....if ur as crazy about reading as me... it has nice links... I always envisioned paradise to be some sort of library, with u there, and hot chocolate, and cold chocolate, and you keeping your mouth shut and just being good eye candy, to satisfy my heart and aesthetic hunger, and the chocolate would take care of the rest. Ahhh....freak of nature arent i.....

How i wish i had written this..... Beautiful poetry. By a wonderfantabulous friend. THE BLACKOUT Light shed by a tallow-stick, A quill within my grasp; I scribe on yellowed pages And follow the yen of my heart . In peace and still and quiet, In perfect harmony, I faintly hear a whisper, And think I find the key. It is not wine and dancing; It is not jamboree. Its just a breath of silence And soulful repartee. A sudden pause; And time stands still. Life shares herself As she seldom will. A rare glimpse; a favoured chance, A blessing it may be; To look o'er the edge of the world And see what I may see. And now as my light grows dim, I must no longer tarry; But instead make haste to see That which may no longer be. bran-D

Ohkie...clairvoyancy... is that the term? To continue with the past trend.. I'm Clairvoyant. Two days back, while looking out the window, blabbering away on the phone...i said..darn ! its soooo hot i wish it would rain...and VOILA ! Next morning gentle summer showers pitter pattering on the rooftop, and me unwittingly ( in blissful ignorance ) cursing my neighbour for throwing waste kitchen water out her window again... I walk out to go to college, and get drenched. I was shell shocked. I asked for rain...and i got it ! The next logical thought of course was...Prince charming...but does he come ? nope.. now the good Lord knows better than that doesnt he ..( dripping with sarcasm). Apparently, a sense of humour is a sense of balance... and I know iv been rather dreary lately, but jeez, its hard to retain ur sense of humour when ur sense of balance is threatened ..( i have an ear infection) and life is dishing it out with full force, i'm sick, and certain bird brain's i know ...

Yep, Depression Central...thats what i am. Even unto PREDICTING things going wrong. Never again do i tempt fate like that. Everything is supposedly going fine...theres a nice semblance of normalcy, i even wake up on time.... but its still surreal. Nice and numb. Just like i ordered. Problem is...thats not what the doctor prescribed. Disintegrated and yet coming together. Out of chaos comes order. Or maybe, i just work well under pressure! I was right about the friends though.... there forever and a day... and if iv never thanked u before... Choy, Shirls, Bran D, Abhi ( if ur condescending lazy ass ever reads my blog) and Nicks ( even with the lame ass jokes, ur still a darling) .... thanks ! I bought strawberries today.....yippeeee ...one good thing about lenten fasts is that u can eat fruits... not much scope for other edibles though... But yes, something i'd like to share....my rock when im set adrift like this.... Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,...

Home they brought her warrior dead She nor swooned, nor uttered cry: All her maidens, watching, said, She must weep or she will die. Alfred Tennyson I read this bit from V.S Naipaul's Half a Life.... and somehow it struck... what is life without a little loss...only teaches us to hold on to what we have with even more tenacity, and then dread losing it, or treat what we have with the utmost care and give it the most love...for who knows what tomorrow may bring... I'm sick of that line.... ' who knows what tomorrow may bring..' Well , I know ! Tomorrow will bring me more strength, more friends, more people to share my problems with, a sudden increase in blog viewer ship :D, John Abraham....(if only in my dreams), lots of love, and the realization that I'm still the most precious person in the world to my folks.... the awful epiphany that my prelims are drawing nearer... more temptation in the shape of bars of chocolates n nude chickens roasting on bbq's... ahh..i...

Found this in my old diary. Remembered jotting it down in a hurry, during a social science class..... man ! i miss school.... Be gentle with the criticism.. harsh words unfaze me These are my emotions im discovering For i am captivated by the mysterious the intensity of my thoughts the hidden yearning, the gaping crevices like budding hothouse roses frigidity will kill them so please nurture them with warmth with the sunlight of your soul a clear trail of endless thoughts travailing, leaping...into forever some triggered by memories, or curiosity some nudged by hope And i write, so disarm me with loving kindness Let me cry for gentle words sting my soul MjC

Walking. Something i ABSOLUTEHLY luuurv. Yeah well half of Mumbai doesnt give a shit about what the other half does, every one's so busy, but i do get these puzzled, curious glances from strangers like, what the hell is she doing...the way i stare and gawk at old buildings, mendicants, and then i laugh out loud when something amuses me .........i LIKE Bohemia :D I love south Mumbai. I wish i was a student of architecture at times. But then i see these quaint firms, with weird names in those old, run down buildings somewhere near Fort....and i wonder about what kind of business they do...like who the hell are their customers, do they even get customers.....how long have they been around....and on....and commerce suits me just fine... Spotted this lovely stone statue of a dog somewhere around there. THIS is why i wish i had a camera phone. And then there was this lady at Strand who just COULDNT resist showing off her non -existent cleavage...so i need a cam for perverty pics like tha...

Scrutinize. i like that word. Screw -tee- nize I LOATHE data entry. Bunked college again today. The guilt trip is soooo familiar iv gotten used to it. Now i know how people can take bribes and go on committing mortal sins. You get so accustomed to everything, in the end its just a dull throb...the conscience that so stabs right now... Not really my fault is it. Something's aching to be set free. If i was given a paisa for evrytime i wanted to break free from conventionalism and routine.....man, id dream of marrying Chidu. I mean look at it this way...its only when u got it that u want to protect it right ? LOL.....i WAS talking about money..... but delving into the inner raunchy sanctums of grey matter , well...heres a tribute to ..... The 'N' syndrome.....its not like use it or lose it...more like.. Got it; Flaunt it !!

Ok. So tomorrow being Ash wedneday, i pigged out on 2 Whole bars of chocolate. Considering that im gonna be givin up chocolates for like 40 days... I hope it all doesnt go to WAIST :D

Faint Voices echoing in the corridors ... Memories surge , overwhelm me Days and nights we 've shared Momentary respite, oblivious of uncertain times ahead.... One nanosecond of empathy Intermingling of various sensibilities Thats what friendship is All of us, and a moment of peace Often peacefully immersed in my solitude I dream of footprints washed away in the sand; The laughter resonates once again in my ears Bringing along with it some smiles, and a few tears. Reminiscing enshrouds those days with a rosy glow The unpleasant forgotten, only the wonderful retained I dream of making the past and present rhyme Friends, memories, laughter and innocence defying time ...... MjC Dedicated to Soy, Sun, Sam, Surls n Sonu......

I bought chicken today!!! So there ! To hell with Bird flu n avian disease n wht else.. I'd rather die eating well than die under a bus, or my dreaded nightmare of dying in bed with the fan falling on me....... Im STILL gonna buy n eat chicken (famous last words) Thanks to muvo ..( www .mushroomncheese.blogspot.com ) for this one .. http://www.digg.com/links/Funny_Blaupunkt_Video ...Horny Wabbit... :D

I hate my cam. with a vengeance. its blurred, fuzzy, and doesnt even make John Abraham look good. ( i tried clickin a pic of him frm the newspaper) Now thing is ..... i have got to make do with the darn cam till i get employed by some really smart firm that wants to go places. And by places i do NOT mean chocolate factories or pastry shops... There's this whole huge list of things i wish i had that would make my life * just like heaven*. And to think i always believed that its not the things you have, but the stuff u got inside you that matters. yeah well, for others maybe, but when it comes to myself..... the more the better ainnit... (therein lies the reason why i keep trying to defy gravity lol) I HAVE to try traveling and get employed by Lonely Planet to write about the different places id get to visit ...ahh...dream job really...or maybe id hook that Mittal whts his name n then i needn't work at all....but then worse..id have to work out ....NOT HAPPENING !

Beauty without, Beauty within Here does my search begin Time shall stay, I have found again the courage to change And then, the old me won't seem so strange. I once learnt to let myself go Now, I'll fight to stay Regardless of social conformance; fight wrong, think right But I'm not one to give in without a fight Happenstance matters, serendipity will be my savior Good Karma will grant me the Lord's favor Armed with reason, unctuous piety notwithstanding I wont let their criticism sting Situations once dictated, attitude let me survive Parasitic, I grasped at smiles, clutched at hope, and I strived Out of my illusions ! Bring on the pain ! Triumph will not be as sweet as the fight to survive, to remain, to retain ! MjC

Small things make me happy. Or rather...Make me laugh.. Saw this really hot guy from the bus in the morning on the way to coll. So I stared. Unashamedly. Not wantonly...But ahh :P And then he smiled !!! At me !!! whoa....HOT ...I felt the usual beginnings of a drool...Or rather..Unusual...Its really rare that I would drool over such charming eye candy... Then while waiting at churchgate stn for another bus...(darn but I hate Indian infrastructure..Or the lack of it ), I saw this bus...With lotsa crows perched on it... And it was ambling along leisurely with the crows having their Annual General Body Meeting atop it.. Oh made me smile... So I went for that interview..Or rather..Aptitude test at TSMG. Nice office ...Plush...Or rather...Not plush...Very nice though I cant find the right word... And gave the test. Nice test too... Analysis of situations...And a horrid business aptitude test which I had fun with. And after I endured all the horrid cramps ...(Its been 2 crampy days ) And amb...

So , today. I'm getting disoriented. I know what i have to do, and yet.... i don't want to do it. Back to the phase where i know just what is right and wrong or maybe lukewarm and nothing or noone can force me to do something i JUST don't want to do. Okay. So i need a kick up the seat of my pants. or perhaps.... just a neat little cosh on my head, a tiny bump might just do the trick...Why oh WHY am i letting this happen again? Me, independent little sweet little practical little effervescently cute and oh so adorable little me. Yep, im trying sooo hard to tell myself that im wonderful. no other reason to survive otherwise. What with my not feeling good enough for all the people who care.I hate guilt trips. I hate myself for feeling like im worthy of guilt...It s bad when you do something or procrastinate without prior knowledge, but when ur a know it all and u STILL do it... ahhh then u definitely deserve all thats coming to you, and more.

I should be re - christened Frozen pork chop.... So it could be my love of food.... Which is definitely NOTHING compared to my absolute adoration of chocolate.... or it could be that im rather carnivorous ( not the man -eating types though) sorry to disappoint you Dee... but its just Pork chop coz i pig out, eating seems rather a good way to preoccupy my brain, and stop it from telling me to go kill myself. and frozen .. well, i want to be devoid of feelings and try as i might, i feel like a screwed up humanitarian who's been taken over by the spirit of Mother Theresa and i just cant stand to see man, woman or dog in pain or want or hungry or whatever. Bolster their self confidence....let them live in their illusions...darn ! I'm getting Ayn Rand-ish again... Quirky name. Now to go do whatever I have been procrastinating about and stop writing about my quirky self. Its like i have this tic... instead of twitching my shoulder or blinking my left eye or some other random indicati...