Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Oh not because happiness exists...

I’ve just finished The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. And I’ve cried again. I’ve read it while I’m supposed to be immersed in Economics, and it’s so different and beautiful after those Jude Deveraux books that i read at the rate of one per day, just…because. I’d be ashamed for anyone to know I read them, although they are nice, for that genre.

Anyways, back to The Time Traveler’s Wife, in the midst of the benefits of monopoly, and I realize this is why I want to write; because, in all honesty, I really don’t give a shit about Economics. Let’s face it. Today, tomorrow, if the world doesn’t end, maybe a hundred years from now even, people will do business to earn a profit, and someone will be earning shit loads of money, and be intensely unhappy or happy despite or because of that. And someone somewhere will be struggling with a business that’s making a loss year after year, but he will still be at it because he began it, so he has to keep going on because it’s not ok, so it’s not the end. And people will starve and that’s the way it is and THIS is what I want to do. Write this way to make people cry, because it’s so often that I laugh really. Random things that make me laugh which I forget, but I cry so rarely its like a momentous occasion when something evokes that much emotion.

Someday I’m going to write a book, just one book that will make everyone weep copiously. Not for the fame or fortune, just that feeling of reading and crying silent tears for someone who doesn’t exist, may not ever exist, but I want to love and make alive. I didn’t really read the book you know, most times that’s what I do, skim the book and get to the end in a rush, because I want to know what happens and how it turns out. Now my curiosity is appeased, maybe I’ll savor the book again.

I have a bad cold, and my throat hurts, and my wisdom tooth (the right side one) is hurting me like hell because it just decided it should make its debut. Wisdom tooth. WHAT timing really!

It’s just rarely that I write bout this maybe, or it’s quite often, but I’m waiting to fall in love. Since I’ve never really been there, and I’ve been such a doormat despite that, I wonder what I’ll be like when it does happen, to love and be loved and that’s that. Imagine, to love someone so much I’d cook for him and work hard to really make the stuff taste good, which is SUCH a big thing for me really, since I loathe cooking and most times just do it perfunctorily, out of necessity because mum is tired after work, or sick, or the vegetables in the fridge are looking desolate and feeling unwanted. Maybe it’s not their destiny to be delicious gourmet under mum’s loving care, but martyrs under mine. Better to burn than fade away fits nicely no ? :D

Maybe the love thing will happen when I’ve resolved all these issues inside my head, and my life, who knows. Have to become perfectly imperfect to feel that perfection ....

Sometimes I cook to reassure dad that I’m not going to turn into a hopeless housewife, despite the occasional bursts of cleanliness and constant absentmindedness. I just know I’ll be a mother who gives her kids too much freedom, and then obsess about it if I have kids that is)
I wrote this down in a book with a pencil, so fast that the writing is awful, as usual, there are no spelling errors, but my hand hurts. I just didn’t want these thoughts disappearing like the others.

Anyways, back to Economics.


Kris said...

you will fall in love. and when you do, it will be beautiful beyond your wildest dreams. that's why you have to wait. economics is just to keep you distracted...just like investment banking is for me.

i need to cry too. it's about time. maybe you should write a book about my life, and then give it to me to read. i'll exchange all my secrets for a bucketful of tears and a shot at getting over what i'm putting myself through right now :(

Didelphinus said...

For a blog post though, it's to make people laugh as well, or rather, smile very indulgently while reading... you've got that here :)

WeirdiSgooD said...

krisu, thank u for that ...but no crying..its really not the thing to do..what should be done is VODKA and Red bull maybe ...and liver and fun and drunken bouts of singing :D
Div, i'm hoping the smiles continue ...soemtimes i can really whine pitifully and it shows :D