Child care ?

 It was National Breastfeeding Week a couple of weeks ago and I feel like this is a week that celebrates me. I had forgotten how hard it is with a new born, and this reality is hitting me hard; like a big fat load of very heavy bricks landing right on my noggin. 

Sometimes, when I look at both my kids, I touch their toes, or squeeze them with all the love in my heart and think- I made this ! I nourished this and it grew, for almost 4 years it was literally my blood that fed and comforted, and its happening again. Every little smile, every fingernail I agonize over, every giggle- its me; on tap.

But this parenting business is hard. I'm constantly second guessing myself, I seem to have forgotten everything I did to make things better, and Baby 1 seems angelic and so independent compared to this little nugget that just wants me constantly. 

I feel empty, and the words that used to flow so easily have dried up. All I want to do is read beautiful words written by someone else, and try and find someone who writes how i'm feeling so I can say, I'm not lazy or stupid see- this is parenthood. 

I try gentle parenting, exclusive breastfeeding, cloth nappying, baby led weaning, and its try because all In want to do is spank both my babies and say Here ! sit still. Don't move, don't cry. Don't need me so much. Don't poo or pee or try to wash the dishes and make more work for me. No more mama mama mama, oh, these years seem to get shorter but my days are endless. My preemies are growing, however I'm regressing. 

I'm blessed to have a beautiful family, but apart from a mother, a wife, a sister and a daughter, who am I ?

More importantly, who made me the boss, and whats for dinner ?