Ideasyncrasies

Today i realized that something within me is really, really begging for a bar of chocolate. Its been ages since I've wolfed down some of the good stuff. Amidst this inhuman( nearly) task of working out and avoiding dinner, I've given up and started hogging again, but in this weird spasmodic way, where i suddenly eat and decide all is in vain and then stop again. At least i can safely say I'm not bulimic. blah, enough about me.

I went and picked up the CFA curriculum today. Mum drove me over and oh dear, its 7 and some odd kg's and its terrifying. There are 6 wonderful books, with wonderful names that seem oh so learned and i may end up being the world's richest investment banker someday, but right now all that I know is that when i open the book the words swim in my head and everything is so pretty :D I didn't go gymmimg yesterday ( out of sheer laziness) and today we had to go for mass, so no gym again, due to lack of transport. In between panicking about magnitude of the CFA curriculum, and the limit of my mental capacity, i will try and get driver's license here in Oman. I really need it. Can someone please make me a cup of coffee ?

No new year resolutions yet. Have to sit down and write. Not blogged in ages but blame OMANTEL for that. New word for the day Tortilicious. It refers to being tortured by the idea that your folks are gonna find out about that *bad* thing you're doing, but feeling delicious while you're doing it.

I'm staring out into the night, Trying to hide the pain. I'm going to the place where love And feeling good don't ever cost a thing. And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain. I'm going home, Back to the place where I belong, And where your love has always been enough for me. I'm not running from. No, I think you got me all wrong. I don't regret this life I chose for me. But these places and these faces are getting old So I'm going home. Well I'm going home. Be careful what you wish for, 'Cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all, And then some you don't want. Be careful what you wish for, 'Cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all, yeah. Oh, well I'm going home, Back to the place where I belong, And where your love has always been enough for me. I'm not running from. No, I think you got me all wrong. I don't regret this life I chose for me. But these places and these faces are getting ...

This one is for Walder. Because she drives me crazy singing. And it reminds me of the time i cried my heart out when Simba lost his dad. And watching movies with Brian. And cartoons. And balloons. And Hide and seek. Sadness is coming :(

Every night I struggle with myself. To sleep or not to sleep. The moment my tired eyes give in and let go, my brain gets into a frenzy and pictures the most horrific things, to make me jolt awake, light up, sit down and do crazy things like BLOG. At 3 am. Or mindlessly watch the idiot box. I swear my health and happiness is getting affected. Its a constant struggle, two parts of my mind warring for those precious 8 hours.

I sound like so many of the others no. Don't know what I want, don't know what I can do, Can't make up my mind, think I'm good at everything if i want to do something types. I'm going crazy wondering just what is it I want from life. I'm going crazy finding someone I want too, but lets not make my sad social life the object of this discourse, I might go and buy vodka and sleep all through tomorrow and the rest of my life too. Or even worse, I might go give Cadbury their highest sales ever in a day. Either of which does not seem to be a good option so... But yes, career. Let's not talk about that either, I feel kaka. I'm so going out to buy a lovely new pair of shoes. I have these huge duck type, left leg scarred in childhood mishap kind of feet. No kidding. I talk to my feet because I have never seen feet like mine. I love them ! Then again I don't look at men's feet, if i did, I might find a sole mate. I want to learn how to play the piano. No, ...

Honesty can get you to a lot of places. Some of them not so good. Seriously, how many people lie on their resumes ? I don't. I'm not proud of it. I can't think of one thing to twist and fabricate and invent euphemisms for. A friend asked me today, if you found a gold ornament on the ground, what would you do ? Pat came the answer, I'd keep it; obviously. Then she asks me, what if you found it in the office. I'd keep it, obviously !!! Mum n dad raised me well, so where the heck did that answer come from ? So many times i lie to people when I don't want to answer the phone, I insist i was asleep, or the phone was on silent, when all I was doing was reading, or surfing the net, or watching Ugly Betty, or listening to my favourite song and i just didn't want to spoil the moment. Small, white lies. Big, nasty horrible lies. Past one year I didn't lie much. I just avoided people ! How far can honesty get you? I believe that a lie or a series of lies can ge...

I really have to get rid of this black pink green hideous you dont rock my world look.Too much work. Let it be :D You know you're fattest when your blog has THE word twice and your google ads talk about flushing the fat away. Have mercy !

The single girl, living alone.

Doesnt know what it is not to worry and still manages to screw things up and tempt fate to give her more reasons to worry. Thinks that someday all her dreams will come true, problem is, she doesnt know WHAT those dreams are. Loves mankind but hates people. Thinks she cant when she can, and can when she can't. Thinks icecream might help the weight loss. Loves family but avoids them like the plague. Would walk a million miles for her sibling, but beat him to death if he lent out her books. Would lend a book, to do someone a favour and then curse them to oblivion for not returning the book back, when she's forgotten who's taken it in the first place. Thinks everything in ice pink, baby pink or pink looks good. Abhors almost everything about herself and yet is an almost elitist.(phrase i coined myself) Loves the language and reading so much she's afraid she cna never make a career of it because she will never be good enough. Complains that the detergents dont smell the same...

Soemthing someone said Caught at your heart and never let go swayed in the breeze then lay still And fell softly with the rain Bautiful lines defining beautiful people Like tall blades of grass Ramrod straight yet always bending Gracefulyl swaying, always sheltering A passer by smiled What a beautiful line defined Cursive writing, childish scrawls Frost is writing his beautiful lines When they painstakingly criticize The beautiful lines overwhelm you Someday their censure will define Your grace, your senses, your personality refine

Every year my birthday gets weirder. Some friends remember, some are forced to remember, most just remember because of the “once a year “syndrome, so that they can do away with the obligation. But let that be, perhaps I should thank everyone in sight that I’ve managed to survive another year. 22, only, I’m not two but one fat duckling. I’m living life by the weekends now. Everything is reserved for a Saturday or a Sunday. Read something, meet someone do Someone/something…everything: D Every Friday night, I’m Sheryl Crow singing All I want to do, is have some fun, I got a feeling, I’m not the only one! And every Sunday evening I’m Bon Jovi rebelling that Someday I’ll be Saturday night L The other day in the bus I passed by this amazing Hair Salon called…guess what...THE HAIR PORT!! Really hair raising that! :D But English is so amazing sometimes. There is this one client of ours who once sent us a message asking us not o test his “ patient”. Even I’m running out of patients…there are n...

I may not have the time to read my mails these days, but i still can see through people who try to bullshit. That didn't really come out right, but, what i meant is, I get forwarded mails too, you don't have to expound on theories or forwards that you have recieved in the mail and expect me to be impressed by your "wisdom". Especially when you claim those opinions, or wisecracks as your own. But apart from that...howdy everyone. I'm sorry about the no blogger. It's a no brainer see, what with me working late and just pretending I have a life, no time to blog, and yes, no net for a while. I tried TV. They repeat everything and it sucks. And you occassionaly stumble onto a horror movie that you just can't resist and then cannot sleep for a month out of fear. I finally decided to give up thinking of buying jeans AFTER i lost weight and just went and had a lovely bout of retail therapy. With Choi. The best days of my life category; those. I no longer feel guil...

There is something infintely beautiful in Lord Byron's poem, that never fails to make me cry. Often I wonder just what it is I'm doing, and why things happen like they do. Perhaps I should have been born into a different family, where I would not be such a black sheep and my parents would be happy no matter what I did, because they would know and accept who I was. Simon and Garfunkel keeps reverberating in my head, all their lovely songs, it used to be my dream to write like that and have someone make a song for it. I'm so funny really, i can live without the internet, and TV and walk for miles, but I cannot face life without a beautiful song or a book to read. I may be thinking too much really, all the time i wonder about things that should have no bearing on my well being, yet they never cease to confound me, and the thoughts never ever leave me alone, not even when I'm asleep. To be a penniless, but good writer, who would write down people's experiences for poste...

Today was a revelation. Today was freedom. Today was rebirth. I've finally gotten over those awful, awful times. I've learnt enough lessons to last me through the rest of my life, and I'm only 21 ! Its over. It's still getting done, nothings over till its really over, but oh, it's over. For the first time today in over 2 years, I felt like me. Who i used to be, playful, serious, committed, diligent and happy! I hopped, skipped, swivelled myself on the office chair and grinned at everyone. It was wonderful. I could have been benevolent, charitable, kind and sweet to even the meanest grouch ever, and i kept grinning all day! Everythings different, everythings changed ! Absolution. I've struggled, and fought for so hard, and suddenly the whole burden has lifted and i cna see my dreams, and think further, and joke and laugh and oh..... you get the drift. I'm still smiling, and then while iw as returning home...oh joy of joys...there was thunder, and at last........

It's always sunshine. I'm incredibly happy. I just needed my mum and dad around to make me ok again, and i guess i'm back to being me now. The curtains are up btw, chintzy, happy, green and white ones. My laundry is getting done. My mum and dad still love me, God's in his heaven, I'm never late for work, All's right with the world :D I'm still waiting for the rains though. Monsoon makes me bubbly, happy and i look like a drowned rat most of the time but what the hell, the rains let you have so much fun!

All you who sleep tonight Far from the ones you love, No hand to left or right And emptiness above - Know that you aren't alone The whole world shares your tears, Some for two nights or one, And some for all their years. -- Vikram Seth

I need to put curtains up. Big drapes, chintzy maybe, if my mother has her way, but something that shuts the sunlight out. And the prying eyes. I need one of those dim bulbs to help me with my insomnia. Surreal, with incense sticks, and red everywhere. There is a stillness in the air. It's wonderful how despair turns your dreams into multi coloured, sweet smelling candy floss tinged with Vodka and lime. Where the ideal world has clean roads, and its always snowing. And there's a dog waiting to welcome you back home, who just wants you to feed him and pet him and turns onto his back for a tickle. I have bitten my nails into ragged uneven blades, that hurt me everytime i touch my face. I think i lost my nail cutter. Run away...run away....run AWAY...RUN away.