Ideasyncrasies

Today was a revelation. Today was freedom. Today was rebirth. I've finally gotten over those awful, awful times. I've learnt enough lessons to last me through the rest of my life, and I'm only 21 ! Its over. It's still getting done, nothings over till its really over, but oh, it's over. For the first time today in over 2 years, I felt like me. Who i used to be, playful, serious, committed, diligent and happy! I hopped, skipped, swivelled myself on the office chair and grinned at everyone. It was wonderful. I could have been benevolent, charitable, kind and sweet to even the meanest grouch ever, and i kept grinning all day! Everythings different, everythings changed ! Absolution. I've struggled, and fought for so hard, and suddenly the whole burden has lifted and i cna see my dreams, and think further, and joke and laugh and oh..... you get the drift. I'm still smiling, and then while iw as returning home...oh joy of joys...there was thunder, and at last........

It's always sunshine. I'm incredibly happy. I just needed my mum and dad around to make me ok again, and i guess i'm back to being me now. The curtains are up btw, chintzy, happy, green and white ones. My laundry is getting done. My mum and dad still love me, God's in his heaven, I'm never late for work, All's right with the world :D I'm still waiting for the rains though. Monsoon makes me bubbly, happy and i look like a drowned rat most of the time but what the hell, the rains let you have so much fun!

All you who sleep tonight Far from the ones you love, No hand to left or right And emptiness above - Know that you aren't alone The whole world shares your tears, Some for two nights or one, And some for all their years. -- Vikram Seth

I need to put curtains up. Big drapes, chintzy maybe, if my mother has her way, but something that shuts the sunlight out. And the prying eyes. I need one of those dim bulbs to help me with my insomnia. Surreal, with incense sticks, and red everywhere. There is a stillness in the air. It's wonderful how despair turns your dreams into multi coloured, sweet smelling candy floss tinged with Vodka and lime. Where the ideal world has clean roads, and its always snowing. And there's a dog waiting to welcome you back home, who just wants you to feed him and pet him and turns onto his back for a tickle. I have bitten my nails into ragged uneven blades, that hurt me everytime i touch my face. I think i lost my nail cutter. Run away...run away....run AWAY...RUN away.

"But if, O Lord, it pleaseth Thee To keep me in temptation's way, I humbly ask that I may be Most notably beset to-day; Let my temptation be a book, Which I shall purchase, hold and keep, Whereon, when other men shall look, They'll wail to know I got it cheap.''

I have been beset my depression, guilt, fear, rebellion, depression, doldrums, oh that and all. The whole package really. and nothing seems to be changing. It's been ages now. I'm trying very, very hard to see the goodness in everything generally, but it isn't really helping. Maybe, someday, I'll not have any friends, and my family will disown me and this will all go away since I can't live up to my own stringent expectations, how can i please the others then ? I think I'm giving up, and I'm struggling hard every waking moment to keep up the fight. I've given up going to church though. Much as I know I have a lot to be thankful for, I'm not really inclined to a conversation with God. I'm afraid I'll vent my anger.